Posted tagged ‘Satire’

Satire| The Causes of Violent Extremism Remain Mysterious

April 6, 2016

The Causes of Violent Extremism Remain Mysterious, Dan Miller’s Blog, Dan Miller, April 6, 2016

(The views expressed in this post represent those of the guest author and do not necessarily reflect mine, Warscleroric or its other editors. — DM)

Our guest author

Our guest author

All right-thinking people know that Islam is the religion of peace and tolerance. Therefore, even though some instances of violent extremism may involve Muslims, Islam obviously has nothing to do with it. Imam Obama and President Erdogan of Turkey have told us that repeatedly. Only Islamophobes claim that there is a connection.

 

Often, acts erroneously deemed to be “Islamic terrorism” are the results of mental or other disorders. For example Khaled al-Hamada, a brave freedom fighter in Syria, liked to feast on the organs of infidels enemies he had helped to kill. It was neither Islam’s fault nor his:

[A] Michigan State University report from 2014 suggests that Kuru, a neuro-degenerative disorder that is associated with cannibalism, has emerged in Syria, claiming some two dozen lives. According to the report, “Kuru resurfaced in the Muslim community recently among Syrian rebels who were rumored to be eating the hearts of victims, 2 of these rebels were then hospitalized and transferred to Germany to be treated for the disease signifying the emergence of the disease in Syria.”

There are doubtless many other cases in which what is erroneously assumed to be “Islamic terrorism” is something else entirely.

Aspersions wrongly cast on our holy religion doubtless hurt the feelings of many if not most Muslims. For example, this blasphemous “comedy” sketch about Turkey’s beloved president — a fierce opponent of violent extremism — was properly ordered removed from the air by Frau Merkel of Germany; she also phoned President Erdogan to apologize for the gratuitous insults. Although she is a mere female, she is working diligently to make Germany, and indeed the entire European Union, truly multicultural.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7x85wo62z-0

Even brave Muslim fighters against violent extremism have tender feelings, and the above video shows the lengths to which vile Islamophobes will go to hurt their feelings. Why can’t they show compassion comparable to that which Islam, guided by Allah the All Merciful, has directed us to have for homosexuals?

The Islamic Republic of Iran, at the forefront of compassionate Islamic jurisprudence, deals with homosexuals in the prescribed humanitarian way.

When Islamists are persuaded that they have erred, they repent and change. As documented in this inspiring article, members of the Islamic State — when confronted by Black Lives Matter (BLM*) protesters — agreed to reform their possibly “racist” ways. A BLM protest

led to “productive dialogue” once ISIS’ leaders realized her storming the stage was not an attempted suicide bombing by their rival group Al-Nusrah Front.

Al-Adnani also said that ISIS would attempt to include a wider variety of races and ethnic groups in future executions and vowed to set up a multicultural “All Deaths Matter” Martyrs Brigade.

ISIS also declared a “period of reflection,” to avoid appearing racially insensitive and called off the remaining events of the day, including crushing several children with a bulldozer and immolating a suspected CIA spy.

One small step for BLM and the Islamic State, one giant step for humankind!

Let us all follow the good example of the holy Islamic State and abandon our wicked ways like dear little children, Insha-Allah.

Perhaps if they intone Insha-Allah often enough, even Klu Klux Klan members will abandon their terrorist activities and cease parading around American college campuses scaring the inmates students.

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*Not to be confused with the Bureau of Land Management.

Satire | ‘Black Lives Matter’ protesters disrupt ISIS beheading

April 6, 2016

Black Lives Matter’ protesters disrupt ISIS beheading, Duffel Blog, April 6, 2016

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AL-RAQQAH, Syria – Protesters from the group Black Lives Matter caused what observers called a “major headache,” so to speak, in Syria last Friday when they interrupted a public beheading being carried out by the group the Islamic State.

Abu Mohammad al-Adnani, a spokesman for the Islamic State, or ISIS, said the protesters had “stormed” the front steps of the town hall in Al-Raqqah, where ISIS fighters were about to behead four civilians for what al-Adnani called “the heinous crime of pigeon breeding.”

The protest group was led by Imani Mills, a 26-year-old community activist and aspiring motocross racer from Minneapolis, who claims she was attempting to highlight the glaring racial inequalities found throughout the Islamic State.

“Most people don’t realize that the Islamic State is the most dangerous place on earth to be a person of color,” said Mills. “Fully 100% of all violence in this country is carried out against people of color, making it worse than Nigeria, the Central African Republic, or even Baltimore.”

Mills added, “Every day people of color in the Islamic State are shot to death by the police or locked up in cages. ISIS needs to recognize its role in perpetuating this hetero-patriarchal state violence.”

While Black Lives Matters now contains 28 separate chapters, including one in Canada, its Syrian chapter is by far the least successful. According to Mills, the group originally just tried walking around downtown Raqqah yelling “Hands Up Don’t Shoot,” but were mistaken for a group of surrendering Syrian Army soldiers and gunned down.

Mills says they later tried unsuccessfully to disrupt a speech by ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi by waving signs which read “Ban the Box,” a movement to remove criminal records from job applications. However the phrase only led to confusion when ISIS members thought they were referring to the boxes the group puts collaborators in and sets on fire.

Last month they tried blocking the roads into Raqqah, chanting, “Shut this whole town down! The power, the roads, the water!” but gave up after they realized the Syrian Air Force had destroyed them all in a bombing raid several months earlier.

However, both al-Adnani and Mills said this latest protest had led to “productive dialogue” once ISIS’ leaders realized her storming the stage was not an attempted suicide bombing by their rival group Al-Nusrah Front.

Al-Adnani also said that ISIS would attempt to include a wider variety of races and ethnic groups in future executions and vowed to set up a multicultural “All Deaths Matter” Martyrs Brigade.

ISIS also declared a “period of reflection,” to avoid appearing racially insensitive and called off the remaining events of the day, including crushing several children with a bulldozer and immolating a suspected CIA spy.

 

Satire| Breakthrough military technology enables cutting-edge micromanagement

March 27, 2016

Breakthrough military technology enables cutting-edge micromanagement, Duffel Blog, March 27, 2016

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FORT MEADE, Md. — New technology unveiled by the Pentagon today promises to offer the Army “an unparalleled level of battlefield supremacy in micromanagement,” according to Pentagon Spokesman Peter Cook.

The breakthrough technology, dubbed “Trust-o-Vision,” enables the company commander on the battlefield the previously-limited ability to send continuous reports to higher and receive instant verbal critiques, guidance, and second guessing.

Col. Peter Hammond, Brigade Commander of 1st Brigade, 10th Mountain Division, heralded the advancement in technology as “exactly what Corps, brigade, and battalion commanders need in order to more efficiently keep control at ever increasing distances of time, space, and reality,” he said.

“With Trust-o-Vision, my junior leaders can rest assured that I will always be watching,” Hammond added, “and always be ready to step in at a moment’s notice when I’ve decided I’m needed.”

The next generation technology, set to be installed in garrison headquarters and Tactical Operations Centers (TOCs), as well as every vehicle and personal residence of company-level leaders everywhere, features a persistent full HD audio and video feed of every commander at every echelon, from Battalion to Chief of Staff of the Army.

Cook introduced a video demonstration of a recent field test of “Trust-o-Vision” by 2nd Brigade, 4th Infantry Division, during their deployment to Southern Afghanistan.

A captain using the callsign “Legion 6” contacts a lieutenant with callsign “Legion 1-6.” As Legion 6 announces movement of another unit, 3-6, an interruption occurs.

“Break break break,” says the voice, identified by subtitles as Brig. Gen. James Mingus, who is then immediately followed by Maj. Gen. Ryan Gonsalves, who asks “Hey! What is that guy doing?”

Mingus then asks the unidentified captain, “Why is that rifleman facing that direction? Shouldn’t someone be calling out sectors of fire.”

Gonsalves can then be heard ordering a machine gun team to “go cyclic on that 240, dummy!” while an unidentified voice argues they should use “sustained fire, to keep their heads down, stupid!”

Cook noted as the video ended that, “A number of awards are pending for the Division Staff for their unparalleled handling of the company in the face of sustained enemy resistance.”

Sources confirm that the static “Trust-o-Vision” will be supplemented in 2018 with a drone-based version that will be able to constantly hover in front of a dismounted company commander’s face.

Lee Ho Fuk and Jay contributed to this report

 

Satire | Make Trump Shut Up. It’s Patriotic!

March 18, 2016

Make Trump Shut Up. It’s Patriotic! Dan Miller’s Blog, March 18, 2016

(The views expressed in this article (aside from those espoused by my imaginary guest author, with whom no rational person agrees) are mine and do not necessarily reflect those of Warsclerotic or its other editors. — DM)

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Editor’s note: This is a guest post by my (imaginary) guest author, the Very Honorable Ima Librul, Senator from the great State of Confusion Utopia. He is a founding member of Climate Change Causes Everything Bad, a charter member of President Obama’s Go For it Team, a senior member of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee and Chairman of the Meretricious Relations Subcommittee. He is also justly proud of his expertise in the care and breeding of green unicorns, for which his Save the Unicorns Foundation has received substantial Federal grants. We are honored to have a post of this caliber by a quintessential Librul such as the Senator. Without further delay, here is the Senator’s article, followed by my own observations. 

As any fool knows, saying things that upset folks is destructive to our peace and tranquility. No patriot would do that. As the Boston Globe observed on March 17th, true patriots can not and should not permit it.

Donald Trump slams protesters at his rallies as “thugs” but, as usual, the unhinged GOP presidential front-runner is dead wrong:

They’re patriots.

. . . .

With Trump nearly sweeping this week’s primaries, those rallies will become more hostile toward anyone pushing against his hideous rhetoric. Yet those patriots will still come, not just because they oppose Trump but for the love of their country which is being shoved toward the abyss. As poet Adrienne Rich wrote in “An Atlas of the Difficult World”:

A patriot is one who wrestles/ for the soul of her country/ as she wrestles for her own being.

Trump has been endorsed by Will Quigg, 48, a grand dragon of the Ku Klux Klan. So has Hillary Clinton, but that’s as different as night is from day; we all know that she is not a racist. The KKK endorsement of Trump shows, beyond dispute, that he is a vile racist. That’s why he despises our President and everything for which we stand.

Trump reminds me of the hateful Britainophobes who mocked Native Americans by wearing their quaint native garb to throw precious tea, violently, into Boston Harbor. For shame!

Trump hatefully complains that Islam is not the religion of peace and that since it is a violent religion Muslims should not be permitted even to visit the United States until it can be determined which are peaceful and which are not. Hogwash! Muslims are just as peaceful as Methodists. They love little children more than Methodists, particularly little girls, and marry them at what Trump probably thinks is too early an age — often at the age of ten. It’s their culture, so there’s nothing wrong with it and we should respect it. Isn’t this a pretty little bride? She looks so happy!

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Muslims don’t occupy a country that isn’t theirs like filthy Jews do in Palestine. They don’t try to take over mosques sacred to Islam.

 

 

Palestine, unlike Israel, does not practice apartheid. Although Israel has nukes, Iran recently promised not to develop nuclear weapons. Trump, despite his claims to be a master negotiator, would never have got that deal; Obama, a very modest person, did despite obstructions put in his path by Israel and some Republicans.

Not all Jews are bad, of course: a major Jewish group warned that Trump is dangerous. As noted in the immediately linked article, the warning

came amid an impassioned debate in the American Jewish community around Trump’s plans to address an audience of over 18,000 next Monday at the American Israel Public Affairs Committee’s annual policy conference.

Who knows what might happen if Trump were to address that group. Might he claim, as he often does, that the peaceful Palestinians, not Jews, are to blame for Israel’s continued occupation of Palestine? Perhaps some of his antisemitic bullies might assault members of the audience. They might bring not only knives but guns as well! Remember, President Obama warned against bringing even knives to a gun fight!

Trump complains that our borders are not “secure.” He is stupid, ignorant and just plays on the fear of other racists. Hillary Clinton knows that the borders are secure.

PHOENIX — The United States has done a “really good job” of securing the border between Arizona and Mexico, Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton said in an exclusive interview Thursday.

“I think we’ve done a really good job securing the border,” she said. “I think that those who say we haven’t are not paying attention to what was done the last 15 years under President (George W.) Bush and President (Barack) Obama.”

Clinton said the federal government has added both border officers and obstructions, while the number of people attempting to cross the border has dropped.

“Immigration from Mexico has dropped considerably,” she said. ”It’s just not happening anymore.”

Clinton, the Democratic front-runner, was speaking just days before a campaign event in Phoenix.

Lies, lies, lies. It’s lies all the way down for Trump

The protestors at Trump rallies do not want to silence him, as some far-right nuts have complained. They only want to make him stop saying things that offend them; there’s a big difference, as any fool knows. Like everyone else with two brain cells, we need our safe spaces and he violates our constitutional rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness by refusing to let us have them. Even the music played at Trump rallies is authoritarian and disgusting. That’s why we attend and protest at Trump rallies.

Trump is Hitler. All Republican candidates for president have been Hitlers for many, many years. Hitlerism is the foul soup in which they are conceived, born and raised. It’s high time to throw out the soup and Republicans along with it. Hillary will do that, and more.

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Editor’s comments

 

 

 

As a courtesy to Senator Librul, I inserted all of the links in his article. The presence of supporting links is about the only difference between his screed and those of Democrats and the Republican elite (but I repeat myself) disparaging Trump for stuff he has not done and does not do; for what they claim he is and not for what he is.

It’s high time for us to take America back from those who have been trying to destroy her. She belongs to We the People, not to the Democrat or Publican party bosses. Never forget.

 

 

Obama did not build our nation. Our ancestors did and it’s our inheritance.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ArgMK2kAjzw

 

For whom would the pioneers in the video vote were they alive now? Our “leaders” who sit in Washington, D.C., break their promises and take our money to finance their reelection campaigns so they can continue the process? Those who have weakened our nation and made her a second class world power? Those who elevate political correctness and multiculturalism above reality? Those who rewrite our history so that they can condemn it? I don’t think so. Which candidates do you think they would support?

crazed

 

Semi-Satire? | German Government Flummoxed by Muslim New Year’s Eve Assaults

January 9, 2016

German Government Flummoxed by Muslim New Year’s Eve Assaults, Arizona Conservative, John Semmens, January 9, 2016

(The article has only a little bit of satire. The facts being as they are, there is little to satirize. — DM)

In related news, the Ottawa, Canada Children’s Choir welcomed refugees by singing Islamic prayer Tala’ al-Badru ‘Alayna during a holiday concert. The song praises the slaughter of Jewish and Christian men and the raping of Jewish and Christian women by Muslims as “the path to paradise for true believers.” Choir director Robert Filion urged that “we look beyond the specific words, bad as they might be, and accept the choir’s performance as an effort to foster diversity and cultural inclusion.”

******************

On New Year’s Eve, gangs of Muslims immigrants accosted, groped, assaulted, robbed, and raped women in Berlin, Cologne, Hamburg, Stuttgart, and Dusseldorf, Germany. Local police were unwilling or unable to come to the aid of victims, complaining that “there were too many offenders for us to contend with. They were throwing rocks and bottles at us. It was just too dangerous for us to get involved.”

Cologne Mayor Henriette Reker saw her city’s police’s inability to intervene as “a blessing in disguise. What we really have here is a clash of cultures. In the Muslim community only prostitutes and immoral women are out in public in the state of undress that we have become accustomed to tolerating in our society. Fondling such women, raping them, and robbing them is permitted or possibly even commanded by the Quran and other Islamic scriptures.”

“Rather than try to coerce these immigrants into abiding by our values it seems more prudent that we take the steps necessary to avoid these kinds of incidents in the future,” Reker advised. “At a minimum, German women could do a better job of covering themselves when out in public. Better still, women should never venture out without being accompanied by a male protector—a husband, father, or brother. If we simply take these few sensible precautions we can learn to live in peace with our new neighbors.”

Ralf Jaeger, German interior minister for North Rhine-Westphalia, decried German anger over the assaults as “incendiary rhetoric that can only magnify the cultural differences between ethnic Germans and recent immigrants.” Jaeger called on the media “to suppress the kind of hate speech that targets the beliefs and behaviors that are out-of-step with traditional German norms. As uncomfortable as it may be, we must learn to live in a world of diversity. Embracing and celebrating this diversity is the more progressive stance.”

In related news, the Ottawa, Canada Children’s Choir welcomed refugees by singing Islamic prayer Tala’ al-Badru ‘Alayna during a holiday concert. The song praises the slaughter of Jewish and Christian men and the raping of Jewish and Christian women by Muslims as “the path to paradise for true believers.” Choir director Robert Filion urged that “we look beyond the specific words, bad as they might be, and accept the choir’s performance as an effort to foster diversity and cultural inclusion.”

Satire | Advance copy of Obama’s Sunday address on the San Bernardino killings

December 6, 2015

Advance copy of Obama’s Sunday address on the San Bernardino killings, Dan Miller’s Blog, December 6, 2015

(The views expressed in this post are those of a lunatic and do not necessarily reflect those of Warsclerotic or any of its editors. — DM)

This advance copy of President Obama’s Sunday evening address to the nation was provided by my confidential informant, the Very Honorable and Highly Reliable I.M. Totus, the Teleprompter of the United States.

totus-seal

obama-pickyournose

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My Fellow Muslims Americans, we live in difficult times. We must wrestle constantly with blasphemous, and therefore false, Islamophobic assertions such as that devout Muslims slaughtered innocents in Paris and more recently in California. I shall continue to pursue with all possible vigor the perpetrators of such Islamophobic speech and thought, which I recently declared felony-grade hate crimes.

Sadly, many innocents who shouldn’t be dead now are. [Rub eyes with handkerchief to feign grief.] However, assertions that they were killed by devout Muslims have no basis in fact or logic. We need common sense gun control, not Muslim control, because those innocents were murdered by guns, not by Muslims.

Unlike Muslims, Guns have minds of their own and usually act without regard to what their owners want. I have had substantial personal experience with guns, having tried to fire one several times. They always refuse to send the bullets where I want them to go. Here’s a recent photo.

Back-Fire

If the gun I was holding had been as obedient as gun fanatics claim, it would have known that I wanted the bullet to go away from Me, not toward Me; it would not have pointed itself at Me. Only the hasty intervention of My Sober Sacred Service agents saved Me.

As some of you may have heard, the folks who held the wicked guns which killed innocent civilians in California have been linked to the so-called Islamic State, which is neither Islamic nor a state. As I have often told you, it has nothing whatever to do with Islam, the religion of peace, truth, human rights (particularly female rights) and tolerance. Indeed, the high regard of Islam for human rights was recently made perfectly clear by the selection of Saudi Arabia to lead the UN Human Rights Council. I can think of no greater, higher or better-deserved honor, with the sole exception of My own Nobel Peace Prize.

The link between ISIS and those who held the wicked guns in California proves My point: Unlike Saudi Arabia and the Islamic State Republic of Iran, ISIS has nothing whatever to do with Islam; therefore, neither did those deluded killers. It’s as simple as that!

Today we begin our Great Leap Forward, ever confident that we shall overcome Climate Change, the most effective enabler of the Non-Islamic Islamic State, and along with it such terrorist organizations as the National Murder Rifle Association and its vile Republican co-conspirators. I shall lead the way as always, with determination and confident in the knowledge that you, My Fellow Travelers Americans are, and will continue to be, with Me on this road all the way to the bitter end.

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Thank you, good evening, and may Allah God bless us all, Insha’Allah!

Satire | Barack Obama’s eRefugee.com Solves Syrian Refugee Crisis with a Click

November 27, 2015

Barack Obama’s eRefugee.com Solves Syrian Refugee Crisis with a Click, PJ Media, Scott Ott via You Tube, November 27, 2015

 

 

According to the blurb following the video,

If a government website can solve the healthcare crisis, then why not a fix the Syrian refugee crisis the same way? Satirist Scott Ott thought we need “Barack Obama’s eRefugee.com” as a place for single, military-age, Syrian Muslim males with a cause. Watch as American compassion meets literal-Islamist devotion online, all the time.

Satire | White House Cancels Turkey Pardon After Russian Fighter Incident

November 25, 2015

White House Cancels Turkey Pardon After Russian Fighter Incident, Duffel Blog, November 25, 2015

Sukhoi_turkey-1000x600Turkey photo: “Bourbob red turkey Tom-r2” by Mtshad – Own work. Licensed under CC BY-SA 3.0 via Commons. Su-24

WASHINGTON — White House Spokesman Josh Earnest quietly announced this morning that President Obama would cancel Wednesday’s traditional “Turkey Pardon,” a presidential staple since the Kennedy administration, citing protests and complaints by Russian President Vladimir Putin. The complaints follow Monday’s downing of a Russian fighter by Turkish forces.

“The Sov—er, Russians were a little concerned at how pardoning a turkey might look, after the unfortunate misunderstanding between an Su-24 Fighter-bomber and a Turkish AIM-9 Sidewinder a few days ago,” Earnest said.

The State Department said initial reports indicated the downing was the fault of “a turkey, you know — the bird,” as Secretary of State John Kerry told reporters. “It was apparently sucked into the intake around 10,000 feet over the Turkish-Syrian border.”

Later, State Department Spokesman John Kirby clarified Kerry’s remarks. Kirby quoted the secretary as saying, “As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.”

Sources in Moscow indicate that Putin has used the so-called “hotline” with Obama to privately threaten “to race right through the Fulda Gap all the way to the Channel if you pardon that proklyatiye turkey.”

The Department of Defense has announced what it calls “proactive moves to calm the situation,” including canceling all turkey dinners for Thursday, and the destruction of approximately 425,000 slices of pumpkin pie.

In Brussels, NATO leaders are privately exploring whether or not being exclusively in the Mediterranean “really qualifies a country to join the ‘North Atlantic Treaty Organization’ anyway,” according to a high-level, four star supreme commander with knowledge of the situation who requested anonymity.

 

Satire(?) | Obama declares Islamophobia a felony hate crime

November 23, 2015

Obama declares Islamophobia a felony hate crime, Dan Miller’s Blog, November 23, 2015

(The views expressed in this article are mine and do not necessarily reflect those of Warsclerotic or its other editors. — DM)

Phobia is an abnormal, irrational fear. As now defined, however, Islamophobia is merely “prejudice against, hatred towards, or fear of the religion of Islam or Muslims.” Rational “Prejudice,” “hatred” and “fear” of Islam are, therefore, now Islamophobic.

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Obama often proclaims that there is no reason to fear Islam —  the religion of truth and love — and that He welcomes it in His America. It is permissible, indeed even patriotic, to fear and oppose the Non-Islamic Islamic State, but to fear and to oppose Islam runs counter to American values and is, therefore, worse than merely vile.

By virtue of His constitutional obligation under Article II to do whatever He damn well pleases, He has determined that anyone who criticises Islam is guilty of felony hate speech, which has long been recognized not to be entitled to protections under the First Amendment. To think Islamophobic thoughts leads to hate speech and must also be criminalised as hate thought.

Once again, Obama shows that He is a great leader — not a mere follower — in America’s quest finally to become a great nation of which He can finally be proud. An article by Jonathan Turley is titled Forty Percent of Millennials Favor Censorship of Offensive Speech By Government. Turley, a liberal in the old-fashioned sense of the word and among the few “liberals” to remain strong defenders of free speech, notes that

I have long argued that the West appears to have fallen out of love with free speech, which is more often viewed as a rising scourge rather than a defining value in some countries. A recent poll of the Pew Research Center shows just how many people we have lost to those calling for greater censorship and criminalization of speech. It is not surprisingly more prevalent with younger age groups, though Democrats are almost twice as likely favor censorship than Republicans. The largest (and most alarming) group is the millennials — 40% of whom favor government censorship of speech offensive to minority groups. [Emphasis added.]

Clearly, Obama is — as always — on the right side of history, leading from the front.

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Here is the text of Obama’s address to the nation, to be delivered on Thanksgiving Day.

My fellow, blessedly multicultural, Americans, Thanksgiving is the day we all now understand was forced upon us to commemorate the vile treatment of Native Americans by settlers — just as Israeli settlers now abuse native Palestinians. To treat Muslims as we treated Native Americans, as Israel treats peaceful Palestinians — and indeed as Christian Crusaders just a short time ago treated peaceful Muslims  — is the worst type of anti-American prejudice I can imagine. Therefore, under the powers vested in Me under the U.S. Constitution, I hereby decree that anyone — no matter who or where and even in the halls of Congress — criticises the Religion of Peace and Love shall be tried and summarily convicted of felony Hate speech.

Some may say — falsely — that this is a drastic and unwarranted measure. It is neither. Islamophobia is intensely harmful to Muslims fleeing persecution by Christians and Jews abroad. It may even deter Muslims from coming to My America to enjoy the benefits of liberty and freedom as ordaned under the Constitution. They all desire to be assimilated into America and to live here with peace and honour killings in accord with our traditions of freedom and justice; traditions which are envied by those fleeing persecution and which they yearn to enjoy in My America. To persecute innocent Muslims here, as they are persecuted abroad is a disgrace; as long as I am your President I shall not permit it.

The spectre of hate thought also now darkens America and leads to hate speech against Muslims everywhere — even those in The Islamic State Republic of Iran, with which I successfully negotiated an historic deal to eliminate the spectre of nuclear weapons in, and to bring peace to, most of the Middle East.

Just as I have decreed that hate speech against Muslims shall be punished, so must hate thought. Accordingly, all candidates for public office in My America will now be required to answer questions seeking to probe their deepest unspoken, but dreadful, anti-Islamic thoughts. The Council on Islamic-American Relations will prepare the questions and agents of the Federal Bureau of Investigation will ask them. Those found to harbour anti-Islamic  — and therefore un-American — thoughts will be declared unfit for, and disqualified from holding, public office. The First Amendment, of course, provides no protection for freedom of thought; even if it did, it would provide no protection for hate thought.  This is necessary if My America is, once again, to lead the free world.

(Wait for vigorous applause.)

Thank you. Now, for your Thanksgiving pleasure, here is a tribute to Me by my favorite vocal group, the Muslim Brotherhood Chorus.

Satire | DARPA to Weaponize Thoughts and Prayers

November 22, 2015

DARPA to Weaponize Thoughts and Prayers, Duffel Blog, November 22, 2015

(If this brilliant strategy is not completely successful, Obama plans to tell Supreme Leader Khamenei to issue a fatwa against violent extremism. — DM)

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“This administration will not hesitate to use any method in the fight against the evil that is ISIS, up to and including international condemnation or the deployment of additional hashtags to the region.”

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WASHINGTON — White House spokesman Josh Earnest announced today that at President Obama’s request, Congress has allocated an additional $176 billion dollars to the military budget for the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) to weaponize the thoughts and prayers which are routinely offered then discarded after tragedy and terrorism.

Earnest said the program reaffirms President Obama’s commitment to degrading, and ultimately defeating ISIS.

“It is really a brilliant concept,” notes Miles Chamberlain, program lead for the new Mk II “Wishful Thinking” Air Deliverable Engagement Device. “After a major terrorist event, the number one thing guaranteed to come out of western countries are thoughts and prayers. Millions of them. If we can find a way to use them tactically our military options would be limitless.”

“The T&P program has multiple facets,” Earnest said. “The highest priority is better targeting systems for our special operators. Currently the thoughts and prayers are used indiscriminately on family members, friends, and even ordinary citizens in an affected area. We hope to provide a surgical strike capability, eventually being able to deliver millions of thoughts and prayers onto a single target, with devastating effect.”

Chamberlain highlighted the advanced nature of the testing, while acknowledging some setbacks for the program.

“The biggest issue we’re facing is a delivery system. First we proposed printing the thoughts and prayers and air-dropping them over a target area, but we had to stop after environmentalists protested, claiming that the thoughts and prayers from the East Coast alone would cause the deforestation of two national parks,” Chamberlain said.

“Then we collected approximately 650 million tweets, emails, and Facebook posts offering thoughts and prayers to Paris and uploaded them onto a hard drive, but that was canceled after Lockheed demanded a $300 billion dollar software update to synch them with the F-35 targeting computers.”

“We’re still optimistic about this whole process. I just hope this project doesn’t end up as a casualty of the budget wars like other failed programs, including the DX6-Good Intentions Radar, the surface-launched Candlelight Vigil 3.0, or Diplomacy.”

At the press conference Earnest affirmed that the White House is totally committed to defeating the Islamic State, and that in addition to the Wishful Thinking weapons program the President has already initiated a severe hashtag campaign (‪#‎StopTerrorismNow‬), and has facilitated the live-streaming of hundreds of anti-violence and equality rallies on college campuses around the nation.

“Make no mistake,” he said. “This administration will not hesitate to use any method in the fight against the evil that is ISIS, up to and including international condemnation or the deployment of additional hashtags to the region.”