Posted tagged ‘Satire’

Satire | After Physical, Media Crushed That Trump Not on Deathbed

January 17, 2018

After Physical, Media Crushed That Trump Not on DeathbedE. Williams, January 16, 2018

WASHINGTON – A dispirited media had to agonize through a nearly one-hour press conference by President Trump’s doctor, in which he informed them the president is in excellent health. Mr. Trump endured a full physical, lab work, and a mental competency test last Friday.

After hearing the terrible news (to them) that Trump is not on his deathbed, members of the media relentlessly peppered the doctor with questions they hoped would provoke some tidbit of information they could twist to use against President Trump.

Some of the questions shouted by the media to the presidential doctor included:

“How much could we pay you to issue a statement saying the president is mentally deranged?”
“Is there any hope of reversing the president’s Republican tendencies, so he would seem more rational?”
“Did you test the president for signs that he may be a zombie?”
“Are there any chants or prayers we could perform in our press rooms that would make the president drop dead?”
“Should Mr. Trump take a sudden turn for the worse, could Hillary still become president? Please?”
“Which anti-depressants would you recommend for those of us in the media who are clinically depressed after hearing today’s health report?”
“How strongly could you see the president’s racism on his x-rays?”
“Did the president’s blood work show any collusion with Russia, or any other country?”
“Is this the wrong week for those of us in the media to stop sniffing glue?”
“Would it be possible for us to conduct an autopsy on the president this afternoon to confirm with our own eyes what you’re telling us?”
“How do you square your diagnosis that the president is mentally fit, with the fact that he’s wrong on every issue?”
“Did you thoroughly examine the president’s s***hole?”

The media continues to embarrass itself, and seems happily oblivious about it.

SATIRE | 2017: Hillary Clinton Celebrates Another Year Not Spent in Prison

December 31, 2017

2017: Hillary Clinton Celebrates Another Year Not Spent in PrisonThe Barbed WireE. Williams, December 31, 2017

Clinton knows that if the system worked today the way it did 40 years ago, she would have been in prison years ago and never could have even run for president in 2016. As the calendar moved from 2017 to 2018, Hillary, surrounded by her yes men and yes women, raised her glass of champagne and said, “Help me celebrate with a toast to corruption! Without it, I wouldn’t be where I am today.”

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NEW YORK – “I still don’t know how I did it!” the two-time presidential loser remarked about the fact that she still isn’t in prison as 2018 arrives. “The evidence against me is overwhelming and, after Trump took office, I just knew my luck would run out this year. Thank God for Jeff Sessions, huh?!”

As a new year approaches, most people look back to assess whether the closing year was a good one or a bad one for them personally. For Hillary Clinton, the determining factor every year is whether she was able to stay out of prison.

“Look, everybody knows I’m guilty as hell,” she admitted. “I’m the OJ Simpson, Casey Anthony, and Bonny and Clyde of politics, rolled into one. Even my cat understands I got away with murder. I just don’t know what they’re waiting for. The crimes are there, the FBI’s cover-up for me is there…..you’d have to be a moron not to realize it. Yet, here I am. Still walking free. Somebody pinch me!”

Hillary said she doesn’t know what 2018 will hold for her, but likes her chances of staying out of prison as long as President Trump allows his incompetent attorney general Jeff Sessions to run the Department of Justice.

Clinton knows that if the system worked today the way it did 40 years ago, she would have been in prison years ago and never could have even run for president in 2016. As the calendar moved from 2017 to 2018, Hillary, surrounded by her yes men and yes women, raised her glass of champagne and said, “Help me celebrate with a toast to corruption! Without it, I wouldn’t be where I am today.”

Satire | Fed Up With Oppressive Capitalism, Bernie Sanders Retires To Socialist Paradise Venezuela

December 28, 2017

Fed Up With Oppressive Capitalism, Bernie Sanders Retires To Socialist Paradise Venezuela, Babylon Bee, December 27, 2017

LAKE CHAMPLAIN, VT—After years of suffering oppression at the hands of the capitalist system in America, Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders announced Wednesday that he would be quitting politics and retiring to the socialist paradise of Venezuela.

Senator Sanders held a press conference at his summer vacation home on Lake Champlain to announce the move.

“I simply have had enough of being exploited by billionaires and evil corporations,” the democratic socialist who owns three homes said. “I will be retiring from my Senate seat and its problematic $200,000 annual salary and going to live in the idyllic land of Venezuela.”

“Here in America, we have great wealth inequality, whereas in the utopia of Venezuela, everyone has the same amount of money,” he added.

Sanders announced he would be driving his luxury SUV as far as he could before catching a ferry to the socialist wonderland, where he’d live in peace, comfort, and security for the rest of his days, “just like all the other lucky citizens of Venezuela.”

At publishing time, Sanders had been detained at the Venezuelan border and had his car confiscated by authorities.

Satire | WWII vets gather for solemn reminder to check their privilege

October 4, 2017

WWII vets gather for solemn reminder to check their privilege, Duffel Blog, October 4, 2017

BERKELEY, Calif. — The few remaining survivors of “The Greatest Generation”, who fought and bled in defense of democracy and freedom during World War II, were reminded to check their privilege today at a ceremony at The University of California at Berkeley.

The annual ceremony, sponsored by the Marginalized-Victims-of-Repressive-Oppression-by-White-Male-Capitalists-Over-Six-Feet-Tall-Student-Campus-Alliance (MVROWMCOSFTSCA), was intended to “send a message to all World War II veterans,” the group’s Facebook page said, “that no matter how many of your friends died right before your eyes, the fact that you were even there, only worried about dodging bullets and not violent speech, shows just how privileged you really were.”

Moonbeam Cinnamon Smith-Mustafa-Rodriguez-Gluten, the group’s organizer, shouted into a handheld loudspeaker at the dwindling crowd of aging veterans, noticeably smaller than last year’s group.

“You old, rich, privileged white men have no idea what the daily fight on the streets is like, what the struggle against an oppressive regime bent on domination is actually like,” she said.

 “You were too busy traveling abroad with all your friends. Going to Europe completely on the government’s dime. Visiting beautiful black sand beaches in the farthest corners of the vast Pacific ocean just to wave around the flag that is the ultimate symbol of oppression.”

Eugene Walsh, a rifleman who fought in the Battle of Okinawa and who, at the age of 18, held his best friend’s intestines with his own hands as he slowly died after his guts were shot out by a Japanese machine gun, turned his head to better hear the speakers.

“What’s she going on about again?” he asked. “Last year I think it was something about needing a ‘safe space,’ or some such thing. Boy, I hear that. I could’ve used one of those after the fifth human wave attack in one night. We ran out of ammunition and had to club our enemies to death.”

“I have never been more scared in my entire life. Human beings should never have to do that to each other.” Walsh said.

Walsh added that he couldn’t even imagine “what this poor young lady has to endure” in her life, sources said.

Satire | How Everything is Racist, And You’re a Terrible Person

September 29, 2017

How Everything is Racist, And You’re a Terrible Person, The Daily Bell, September 29, 2017

And here’s another way we know that President Trump is racist. His wife actually sent 10 Dr. Suess books to a school in Massachusetts. Can you believe it? That’s like, ten times the racism!

Unless you swear fealty to demolishing white privilege, then you are racist. And don’t try to end any race problems in your own way! It has to be through government intervention, and acquiescence to the demands of Black Lives Matter. If you do nothing, you are racist.

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Everything you do and think is racist, you probably just don’t realize it because you’re so super privileged.

You can’t just sit back and hide in your white supremacist neighborhoods anymore. There’s no more abstaining from taking a side on this one. The sins of your ancestors have caught up to you! (Or at least the sins of the ancestors of people who look like you, considering most white Americans are descended from post-Civil War immigrants.)

You may think that standing for the national anthem is a normal thing to do. You may have even gone on standing for the national anthem, ignoring the rest of the controversy surrounding the NFL. But it turns out that behaving in a standard traditional fashion is racist.

Yep, it’s the old, “you’re either with us or against us,” philosophy. You cannot sit out this manufactured controversy. The Huffington Post says that when you stand, you stand for white supremacy. For white people, the anthem represents freedom. White Americans are full citizens, and black Americans–especially extremely successful millionaire athletes–are second class citizens.

You probably just didn’t know that because your life has been lived in a bubble of white privilege. It’s okay, you didn’t know any better. But you’re still a terrible person. You should give your house away to a black family, since “You’re bound to make that money in some other white privileged way.”

Oh, Dr. Suess is also racist, by the way.

And here’s another way we know that President Trump is racist. His wife actually sent 10 Dr. Suess books to a school in Massachusetts. Can you believe it? That’s like, ten times the racism!

Luckily, the librarian at the school knew that the books were racist, and rejected them. She wrote Mrs. Trump a letter to explain her white supremacist folly.

Another fact that many people are unaware of is that Dr. Seuss’s illustrations are steeped in racist propaganda, caricatures, and harmful stereotypes. Open one of his books (If I Ran a Zoo or And to Think That I Saw It On Mulberry Street, for example), and you’ll see the racist mockery in his art. Grace Hwang Lynch’s School Library Journal article, “Is the Cat in the Hat Racist? Read Across America Shifts Away from Dr. Seuss and Toward Diverse Books,” reports on Katie Ishizuka’s work analyzing the minstrel characteristics and trope nature of Seuss’s characters. Scholar Philip Nel’s new book, Was the Cat in the Hat Black? The Hidden Racism of Children’s Literature, and the Need for Diverse Books, further explores and shines a spotlight on the systemic racism and oppression in education and literature.

Thought those were just innocent cartoon images? Think again!

I mean it’s so obvious that Dr. Suess was a racist. He clearly thought star-bellied Sneetches were better than plain-bellied Sneetches. They were so privileged walking around with those stars on their bellies. And then, when the plain-bellied Sneetches started acting all star-bellied, the privileged star-bellied Sneetches culturally appropriated the plain-bellied Sneetches’ style!

The point of the story certainly wasn’t that a third party came into town and exploited the natural differences of the Sneetches for personal profit! Dr. Suess couldn’t have been calling attention to the fact that people will seek to exploit divisions in society for their own motives.

So nice try attempting to sit this one out! Unless you swear fealty to demolishing white privilege, then you are racist. And don’t try to end any race problems in your own way! It has to be through government intervention, and acquiescence to the demands of Black Lives Matter. If you do nothing, you are racist.

Charle Hebdo is back

August 24, 2017

(There has been little media coverage, most of it derogatory. — DM)

Source: MWC News.

 

Satire (I hope) | Let’s repeal America’s Declaration of Independence and Constitution

August 18, 2017

Satire (I hope) | Let’s repeal America’s Declaration of Independence and Constitution, Dan Miller’s Blog, August 18, 2017

(The views expressed in this post are mine and do not necessarily reflect those of Warsclerotic or its other editors. — DM)

The American Declaration of Independence was written by a vile slave owner, Thomas Jefferson of Virginia. The American Constitution was written, at least in part, by vile racists and other “America Firsters.” They tried, but fortunately failed, to prevent noncitizens from exercising their sacred right to vote in national elections. Both demonic documents must be repealed and we must rejoin England, nay even better the European Union, to signal our virtuous multicultural nature and emphatic rejection of all evil past and present.

Antifa, Black Lives (only) Matter, La Raza, adherents to Islam (the Religion of Peace and tolerance), CAIR, the Muslim Brotherhood, Hamas and their other supporters — proponents of truth, justice, and true equality for all — will appreciate our efforts even more than they appreciate the removal of all artifacts of American history associated with our racist Wars for Independence and the Confederacy. To please them even more, we must expunge from our history — and from our minds as well — all residual evil thoughts. This is necessary for us to have freedom of proper speech and proper thought (only), as do the fortunate citizens of China, North Korea, Iran, Venezuela, Cuba and other glorious progressive nations.

The impeachment of our racist anti-American President Donald Trump is obviously necessary and appropriate for the same reasons. Even better, he should be assassinated, as suggested by a brave Missouri state senator. Then we can have a new, and fair, election so that our dear Hillary Clinton will become Our President; we deserve Her.

The removal of a statue of George Washington — a vile slave owner who led our absurd rebellion against the British Empire — has already been proposed. Memorials to General Robert E. Lee and other racist Confederate terrorists have already been removed, “peacefully.” That’s not enough! We must move forward, ever toward the abyss, until America, as we know and despise her, no longer exists. Then, we will no longer have any basis for appreciating — let alone singing — such alt-right drivel as this:

Surely, no true American patriot could countenance such an abomination. America rightfully belongs to everyone, not just those who were born or already live here, but also to those who want to live here and ply their wholesome trades, safe from racist law enforcement. Welcome MS-13, Sinaloa, and all of the rest. America must become a true land of opportunity for all.

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Obviously (I hope), I agree with none of the above. I prefer this:

And this:

Perhaps I was born a century too late.