Satire: Obama needs to get more serious about Islamic State opportunities

Obama needs to get more serious about Islamic State opportunities, Dan Miller’s Blog, August 31, 2014

Editor’s note: This is a guest post by my (imaginary) friend, the Very Honorable Ima Librul, Senator from the great State of Confusion Utopia. He expresses leftist perceptions of magical reality with refreshing clarity, for which we thank him. 

Senator Librul is a founding member of CCCEB (Climate Change Causes Everything Bad), a charter member of President Obama’s Go For it Team, a senior member of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee and Chairman of the Meretricious Relations Subcommittee. He is also justly proud of his expertise in the care and breeding of green unicorns, for which his Save the Unicorns Foundation has received substantial Federal grants. We are honored to have a post of this caliber by a quintessential Librul such as the Senator. Without (much) further delay, here is the Senator’s article, followed by my own observations. But first,

The world needs peace in our time which, if properly structured by the best and brightest leaders of the International Community, will become peace everlasting. Secretary Kerry is the very best of the International Community’s best and brightest.

Kerry I'm an idiot

Secretary Kerry, under the direction of our beloved leader President Obama, has demonstrated that he is fully capable of negotiating peace among the Islamic State (“IS”), Iran, Iraq, Syria and all other free and democratic states that feel threatened by its sudden emergence. True, he has not yet been able to implement even his brilliant final two state solution to for Israel, but that’s only because of the wicked obstinance of far right — but equally far wrong — Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu. It is devoutly to be hoped that PM Netanyahu will soon be compelled by the International Community to do as he is told and stop being offensive to President Obama and, indeed, to all in the enlightened International Community.

The IS, like all other true believers in the religion of peace, is and will be far more accepting of Secretary Kerry’s initiatives than was the monster Israel. Secretary Kerry should:

1. Travel immediately to our greatest ally, Iran, and beg for an audience with President Rouhani, a true moderate. During the audience, Secretary Kerry should promise that Obama’s America will lift all sanctions heretofore imposed, wrongfully, against Iran. He should affirm that Obama’s America considers Iran a staunchly peaceful nation that desires nuclear weaponry only for peaceful purposes. To do otherwise would be to agree with and to promote the vile ideology of racist conservatives (please pardon me for repeating myself). On that basis, he should implore Iran to demand that Iraq, Syria and the IS seek, with his guidance and mediation, a one state solution for the entire Middle East including Iran and beyond. By doing so, Iran will succeed in her long quest for understanding and world peace everlasting.

Hang in there Iranians. Obama will help.

Hang in there Iranians. Kerry is coming.

2. A gallant war hero, Secretary Kerry should next travel fearlessly to Iraq and Syria to arrange ceasefires with the IS. As was the case with Hamas in Gaza, the IS is certain to agree, given the promise of a one state solution for the entire Middle East, under which a coalition government will be formed with representatives of Shiites, Sunnis, Kurds, Assyrians, Yazidis, Turkmen, Martians, a token Christian and perhaps even a Jew (if one can still be found).

3. That done and agreed upon, Secretary Kerry should next go to Africa and convince Boko Haram not only to #Bring Back Our Girls as forcefully demanded by our gracious First Lady, but also to join with the IS in implementing a similar one state solution there.

Ms Obama and girls

4. Secretary Kerry’s monumental missions accomplished, he should return to the bosom of President Obama and find room for a Nobel Peace Prize in his treasure trove of heroism medals awarded by a grateful nation for his gallant military service during the Vietnam conflict.

The science is settled, so there can be no doubt that Secretary Kerry can and will succeed in this, his most heroic mission yet.


Editor’s Note:

Senator Librul’s magical musings about the Islamic State and what needs to be done are clearly superior to those of President “I Have No Strategy” Obama, and I did my best to help by inserting inappropriate graphics.

Unless grossly offended by the senator’s words, President Obama will do as suggested. Should Secretary Kerry then fail to do precisely as told, or to succeed, President Obama is likely to appoint either Senator Librul or Pajama Boy as our new Secretary of State. That would produce only a modest lateral change in President Obama’s foreign policies for us to believe in.


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